Tips on Raising Our Children ... As They Are

As parents, we want our children to be accepted for who they are. We want them to be free to be all that they can be, and not place limits that prevent them from discovering all their talents, interests and abilities. Here are some suggestions on how to respond when our children do something that doesn’t fit the gender expectations of neighbors, family, teachers or playmates.

Do...

1.  Support our children, and make sure they know we love them as they are. This is especially important if they have interests that don’t conform to gender expectations.

2.  Be willing to ask yourself why you’re having these feeling, if you feel any shame or discomfort around your child’s expression of gender. Many of us were shamed as children for not conforming to gender stereotypes. At times, our reactions to our children are an extension of our memory of that shaming and a fear that someone will hurt our child if we do not intervene.

3. Talk openly with your child about any teasing or ridicule they may experience. Help them devise protective strategies, including rational responses to the comments of other children. Show them examples of famous, successful people who did not conform to gender stereotypes – people your children would recognize such as Madonna, Cheryl Swoopes, etc.

4. Talk to your child’s teacher if you think your child is being teased or ostracized at school. Teachers are often overwhelmed by the numbers and divergent needs of the children in their classes. They might need help identifying gender bullying and responding appropriately. Open a dialogue about how to make the classroom safe for all children, regardless of their gender expression.

5.  Relax, have a sense of humor, and love your child. Your child is discovering him/herself by pursuing the games, clothing and friends that s/he prefers. Open yourself to that exploration and enjoy the journey.

Don’t…

1.  Shame your children about their interests and behaviors (i.e., “Big Boys don’t cry,” “Act like a lady!” etc.) Shame doesn’t change children; it just makes them self-conscious and afraid to trust themselves. It’s natural and healthy for most children to experiment with things that don’t necessarily match our gender expectations.

2.  Withdraw affection and attention. Children can quickly feel ashamed and depressed when they sense that part of them is unacceptable to you.

3. Force them to be a certain way. All boys are not going to be interested in pursuing sports, just as all girls won’t enjoy getting dolled up. Allow children to grow and discover themselves.

4. Assume that any feelings of shame you have mean your child is shameful. Ask yourself what in your own history might be causing your discomfort. Seek professional help if necessary so that you don’t foist your embarrassment on your child.

5.  Worry too much about raising a masculine boy or a feminine daughter. Our girls are taking charge and excelling in all arenas; our boys are learning to express themselves and pursue activities that fit their interests, not someone else’s gender prescription for them. Young people’s belief in themselves and their self-expression is a key building block to their success and happiness as adults.

Have a great resource in your library that's not listed above? 
Share it with us at cata@childrenastheyare.org.